Haven't been on talking terms with my dad ever since bro left. It's not like we're having a cold war or anything, but I just find it hard to communicate. Whenever he or I start a conversation, it will end up with me feeling very grumpy. Maybe it's just my problem.
So anyway, I've been asked, when us my breaking point. Since young, I've been very afraid of him. Everything he says, I wouldn't dare rebut. What's more I've been caned way too many times. Perhaps it's in my nature to be cowardly. I could probably list down a hundred and one things that scares me. While I know life's too short to be living in fear, I can't help but feel that way. It's just like how some people suffer from insomnia, depression, etc. It's not like they want it, but they can't help it.
But I've never once blamed anybody for who I am today. Sometimes I wished I was somebody else, but in that instant, I would learn to count my blessings. It really works!
Recently, I've been very frustrated over my dad. I don't think it's my fault because my PMS is just over. So it had to be him.
Just this morning, while I was preparing to go to school, he insisted to drive me to the train station. It's only like a 15-minute walk from my house, but I guess that's his way of showing love. To drive us to the station in the morning so we don't have to rush for the bus.
I appreciate his gesture, but I also understand that if he has something to attend to, I can always take the bus.
I was feeling a bit of the Monday blues today so I was taking my own sweet time showering, packing my bag, etc. He came into the room to hurry me and said "You're going to be late!"
I told him "No, I'm not rushing for time today. If you need to attend to something, just go ahead." He wouldn't listen! And even started to nag at me for sleeping late the night before, and always not packing my bag till the last minute.
So infuriating!
I could have ignored him or insisted to take the bus. But I'm not the sort to quarrel, especially with him.
Friends, boyfriend, brother, I will try to
argue reason with them. But not my dad - age gap?
So I hurriedly packed my stuff so he could send me to the station and then went to settle his stuff. I absolutely do not see the point. Which brings me to another topic - I'm overprotected.
After the conversation with Yushu last night, it made me realise how unhappy I should be. Thankfully I'm happy by default, or I would have rebelled or left home or disown my dad. Err... kidding! Haha. So ya, what I'm gonna type is probably going to make you look at me from a different light. I hope you don't judge me. And I'm not in a very impartial state of mind right now, so my perspective may be skewed. Feel free to comment. I would be most happy to hear what you think.
Ok right, I have been brought up in a conservative Chinese family, which emphasizes a lot on moral, filial piety, respect, and all the old Chinese values and thinking. I would say we're not very open-minded.
Dad has been very strict with me since the day I was born. To the extend of being over-protective. Whatever it is, he just had to make sure nothing goes wrong for me. That makes me a crybaby. Because I know that if I cry, things will go my way.
In primary school, all my classmates know I'm a crybaby. Whenever anyone bullies me, I'll cry. Whenever I can't finish my homework, I'll cry. Whenever a teacher scolded me, I'll cry. So weak, I know.
When I got to secondary school, the tears lessened, But I was still a coward. So thankful for Guides! It kinda made me more vocal, courageous, confident. No doubt they might all be a facade, I might still be a coward with low self-esteem at heart. But on the surface I can easily fool people to think otherwise. Haha.
I probably never passed through that rebellious teenage stage because my mum got cancer when I was 14. Family, studies, Guides, were all I could think about.
True, I may be envious of my peers sometimes, but I don't have time to dwell upon it. I think I'm quite anti-social in secondary school.
Maybe because I'm such a goody two shoes, my dad formed a mental image of a very obedient me. I used to think that was who I am. Clearly it is not.
Because being the obedient me makes me unhappy sometimes. Oh wait, the term 'obedient' is very subjective. Let me list down the stuff my dad 'disallow' me to do.
I cannot go overseas with my friends, unless there's an adult. Fyi, my dad don't classify me as an adult. WTF. I'm legally responsible to myself so I don't see what's the point of worrying about me. All parents need to realise that their children will grow up one day. I'm sure many of your parents have come to terms with that, Clearly not mine. Back to the point. He's perpetually worried about my safety. He keeps thinking that something will go wrong. Why so pessimistic? I totally have no idea how to convince / assure him.
I've tried to reason with ihm, to persuade him, to reassure him, but to no avail. It seems like his mind is wired to think in a certain fashion. I'm helpless at times like this so I tell myself this is probably fate. Others have told me that fate is in my hands, and I have the ability to control my destiny if I do something about it.
I did try.
But through conditioning, I know nothing's gonna work. It's like given path A and path B, 10 out of 10 times that you choose path A, something terrible happens. At the 11th try, would you still choose path A?
Most likely not.
Secondly, I'm not allowed to stay out overnight. That translates to no midnight movies, no midnight KTV, no tonning at the airport, no countdown parties, no night cycling, etc. Unless I lie.
As much as possible, I try to present the truth, but when forced to circumstances, I'm left with no choice but to tell a white lie. Like that overnight cycling event that I facilitated. I had to lie that I'm staying over in school. It's not like my dad will say 'No I forbid you to go' but more of like 'I'll be very worried if you go, but I don't want you to be upset. But I'll really be very worried. And you can't blame me for worrying you know, wait till you're a parent yourself'.
Like WTF.
What do you expect me to do?
I really hate it when people worry for me. So I twist the situation a bit to assure him that 'oh I'll be in school. School is safe. There will be lots of people around. There will be adult supervision. We'll have proper place to rest. We'l have food to eat'.
Basically he's ok if I'm at a camp, chalet, friend's (female) house.
(to be continued...)