friends for life. mwarks!
i finally have answers to the long list of never ending questions. im sucha stupid dumbass. i hate myself! i really do. alot, in fact. wtf was wrong with me when i didnt listen to all the advices. all the concerned friends are out there telling me whats right and wrong and i was stupid enough to choose the 'wrong'. fuck can? i hate myself can? why am i so dumb?! im an idiot. omg i cant believe im hating myself so damn much. strange though, how come i still dont hate you? i swear today is the last i cry for you, bcos of you. im going to crawl out of this dark place. but i need help & lotsa support and encouragement. i need some colours in my life. pls? i also need a shoulder to cry on now, badly.
a million thoughts running through my mind. a thousand words left unsaid. i thought fate will let us meet tmr but it seemed otherwise. but at least we're still friends. that was what i wished for anyway. and thanks for telling me the truth though it hurts damn bad. back to where i started. this ride was hell.
ok i have got my answer today. not the complete answer that i have been waiting but at least i have some pieces to the puzzle. so you have been away. overseas. thailand. having fun with your friends and i totally hadnt the slightest idea. wow. how great. and i thought you were avoiding me. i kept telling myself you wont do such childish acts and i was right. and that leads me to think why i dont have the feeling like i had long time back. like during the initial stages of this roller coaster ride. like the sweet tingling sensation, honey and candyfloss. all glee. it had all of a sudden disappeared. maybe you dont want me anymore. maybe youre done playing with me. if thats the truth, its gonna hurt like hell bcos of the promises you made earlier. they are all said just so one fine day you can break them right? and can i please have the rest of my answers please?
hmm, at least i tried. at least i did. since i dont know when, i have been trying. it has been too long ago. i very much want to go on, to keep trying but i guess im too tired. its not easy to do that you know. i need an answer, badly. i cant go on like this. or maybe i can? not sure. but suddenly, it hits me that the truth could be otherwise. what if something really happened? im praying very hard for some sort of reply, response. even if its bad, i can take it. i just want to know. im getting worried.
it exhausts me. when i stop to think, i find that this is so strange. like some kind of story unfolding.
bickerings about every single little thing. somehow, sometimes, it seemed like you did it on purpose. yes im stubborn, i want things my way. but i have, most of the time, given in to you. yet all that i say and do doesnt seem to please. perhaps you were right, perhaps we just arent suited for each other.
many a times, when you told me we'd be better off as friends, i teared uncontrollably. i cant imagine what it would be like. but now i think i can. and i think i want us to be just friends. fatigue kills. i have so much on hand, i barely have time for myself. i guess you do too. when your hospitalisation leave ends, you'll be returning to work. and thats like tmr? you said you'll be ten times more busy than i am now. i believed you cos we've been through. all the cases that you'll be handling, the tremendous workload, being the asst sup as well, coaching your team mates, and after work activities like going to the gym and hanging out with your friends. and when school starts, the night classes you'll have to attend, the exams you'll need to prepare for. this non-exhaustive list just shows me how much time you need.
i tried to change, to accommodate, but i guess my efforts were in vain. how do you explain text messages without replies? and what about the (empty) promises made? i would have assumed you have changed. my intuition cant be wrong right? i dont remember that we used to be like this. honeymoon period is over? or is it bcos i dont comply enough?
heart used to ache terribly when i dont hear from you. but its dead now. kind of stagnant in a way. i dont expect anything more. of cos i smile with glee at the occassionals, but i dont feel sad when there arent any. yes i do miss you. in fact i miss you alot. its hard for me to pen down in words or to put it across verbally how much i do. i just do. but what can i do?
i find im closer to bernard, jay, marcus, sometimes even leon, sean and victor bcos of how much social interaction we have. perhaps i have to blame the age gap between. what i think or say may not interest and often i realise we are quite different. i cant keep changing for you and likewise.
yes i really want you badly. cos you've been the sweetest. you make me laugh and cry, smile and frown all at the same time. you make me feel special, despite all the misunderstandings. but to be fair, i think we have to take a step back and just be friends? i want to be the brave little girl to tell you but i lack the courage. is remaining status quo the only solution? not sure if what i think equals what you think.
i dare not ponder at the future. i cant tell whats going to happen. contemplating about it may just bring me sorrows. take one step at a time. honestly, commitment is tiring. sorry. but i love you.
guess whats this!
we love food! :D
